Have you ever had an ear infection as an adult? Right, I didn’t think so. That’s because they are usually reserved for small children, smokers, and obese adults. Key word: usually.
Ahem. Let me just say that I have a new-found sympathy for little kids with ear infections. I want to hug them all and feed them ice cream. Or whatever they want, because they deserve it.
My ears had been bothering me for a few days as I was trying to get over a head cold, but I didn’t think much of it. Then I woke up around 2am with excruciating pain in my middle ear. Serious pain. Like – I just wanted someone to remove my ear completely so it would stop. I now know why children scream for hours on end when they have an ear infection.
I went to the doctor and sure enough, I had an ear infection. He was surprised since I’m not a toddler, a smoker, or an obese person with other health problems. The doc wrote up a prescription for a brutal round of antibiotics and then asked if I needed something for the pain, because apparently he knows the level of pain an ear infection inflicts: hovering somewhere between excruciating and dead.
While I appreciated the thought, pain meds make me one of two things: nauseous or cranky, sometimes both. I was already pretty cranky, and to throw a bout of nausea on top of pain – no thank you. In lieu of pain meds he recommended I get a lot of rest, avoid lying down flat, and to hold a hot towel or heated pack against the offending ear until the pain subsides.
Sounds simple enough, right? It is – until ten minutes into holding said towel against your ear, at which point you start losing feeling in your hand. So you switch arms until that one falls asleep. Then you lie down ON the towel – which is great until the ear pressure increases and you remember that you aren’t supposed to lie down flat. Clearly, this was not working out. Where was my personal servant when I needed one? The one that fans me, feeds me grapes, holds hot towels to my head when I’m sick, and reads bedtime stories.
Being servant-less, I dragged my cranky self to the drug store where I picked up some supplies. The solution: a microwavable heat pack and an ace bandage. (I also threw in a copy of French Vogue for good measure.)
I realize this looks a little dramatic, but it’s quite possibly the best idea I’ve ever had. Second only to that time I got a beagle. Which I haven’t told you about, but I’m going to this week so get excited. Also be excited about the fact that you now know what to do if you’re rendered servant-less and find yourself with a wicked ear infection. As a side note: feel free to omit the French Vogue from your treatment plan. Any type of language decoding will only exacerbate the crankiness. However, a Keeping Up With the Kardashians marathon and Thai delivery will immediately lift your spirits.