one of my favorite things:

driving around in a car with a guy when, suddenly, you realize that you can TOTALLY drive a manual car better than he can.

cat: so are you going to *****’s thing?

me: it’s tonight… right?
answer = no… i have a date tonight, so i’m not going

cat: who is your date with?

cat: AND when you say you have a date, please immediately tell me who it’s with.

cat: don’t just say “i have a date”
because you know i will ask.
thank you.

me: dude. i was getting there
it is, naturally, another blind date
which means great blog material to follow

cat: oh really?! yessssssssssssss!

me: my next-door neighbor is setting me up
she is awesome, and her husband is cool— so hopefully it’s not too bad
BUT he’s a lot older than me
so i’m trying not to freak out about that

cat: oh really. how much older?
and if you report back to me 50, you are NOT going.

me: 11 or 12 years? he’s 35

cat: eh, that’s kind of old.
he lived through the 70s.

me: haha! oh – THAT is awesome

cat: i thought that’d make you feel cool about it

me: so you’re telling me that if i decide to suddenly talk about slap bracelets, we might hit an age barrier?

he blind date results are back. i wanted to write about something else today but the blind-date story is the big elephant in the room, just waiting to be acknowledged. i don’t particularly want to relive this date but at some point i am going to have a child who whines about a lack of popsicles in their life, insisting that things are unfair, and i am going to read this story and explain to them that no measure of popsicle shortage is equivalent to the pain endured on a bad blind date.

i dreaded this more than any blind date i’ve ever been on. i probably shouldn’t have racked my brain for all of my bad experiences; the more i thought about the past, the more i understood the possibilities: this date could really tank. so when i opened my door and saw an attractive blue-eyed, dark-haired man at my doorstep i was shocked. the guy was totally cute. until he started talking.

he talked about bioengineering the entire car-ride, well except for when he talked about metal. tissue engineering, growing human ears, organ harvesting – just a little light conversation to get to know each other. now, don’t get me wrong, this monologue didn’t completely break it for me. the guy is scary smart, he’s getting his master’s in metallurgy and you have to give guys like that a break. cat’s fiance, ryan, is a mechanical engineer and we always laugh about how engineers orbit on a different level. they think differently, they communicate differently, their thought process is completely different from ours. i am but a lowly minion and just because i didn’t appreciate the significance of his metal-project pictures doesn’t mean we can’t get along.

he took me to the broadway theatre where we watched “An Inconvenient Truth,”the Al Gore movie about global warming (everyone should see this film, no excuses). after the movie we went out for ice cream where he spilled his troubles: his roommate troubles, his singing troubles, his girl troubles. people forget that salt lake is a small place. the most gratifying part of the night was when i realized the girl he was distraught over was one of my closest childhood friends. i prodded him with seemingly innocuous questions that eliminated any of my doubts. if you have to hear about another girl while you’re on a date, you might as well have fun with it. on the drive home he paused, looked at me curiously and said, “you graduated the same year as that girl. you probably know her.”

i couldn’t handle it. i completely burst out laughing, and to his horror said, “yeah, sorry. i know exactly who it is. it’s Xxxxx Xxxxxx!” the look on his face was priceless.

the grand finale was the doorstep scene. he told me i should try out for a community choir he is affiliated with and insisted on getting my e-mail address so he could forward the information to me. what happened next will go down in history as the most bizarre ending to any date i have ever had, i can’t even write it without cringing. as i searched for the key to my front door he looked at his feet and said, “i’m kind of uncomfortable with touching. but… do you want a hug?”

i tried my best, but i could NOT contain my laughter. nerd boy had just reached a new plateau, a level i believed existed but one i have never experienced firsthand. i told him no, i did not need a hug. but then he explained that he didn’t not want to hug me, he just tends to forget that detail – the “hug” part of the date. as if he has a strategic protocol he follows, a check list to go through: show girl metal project, check. bring up awkward personal details, double check! discuss the intricacies of air pressure, check. hug girl at doorstep… awwww man, i knew i forgot something!

it’s a running joke amongst my friends that i should write a book about my dating disasters. there was the date my parents set me up on; the guy spent the evening proving to himself that i was spoiled while doing his best to make me feel guilty. he took me to a restaurant his little brother recommended where he complained about how expensive the entrees were the entire meal. it was, hands down, the most awkward date of my life thus far.

then there was the blind date sophie dragged me on: the guy spent most of his time texting and actually invited another friend along halfway through. i assumed he was just completely bored and disinterested, but to my horror, he actually asked the next day if we could go out again. and let’s not forget the other blind date sophie set me up on – well her then-boy set it up. the second my date walked in i knew it was going to be a bad night. soph and i excused ourselves to go “grab our purses” when we actually bolted to her room and began laughing hysterically. that night, in her laugher-filled room, it was declared: sophie is not allowed to set me up on blind dates.

my roommate set me up with her brother a few weeks ago. he spent the evening flaunting his money and even sent me home with a wad of cash he asked me to give his sister as an early birthday present.

this is just skimming the surface of my dating iceberg. i have to admit that not all of my blind dates have been horrible. i had an excellent afternoon tennis date and a low-key dinner date that was fun. nonetheless, i’m jaded. i don’t have much faith in blind dates.

tonight will most likely be another experience to add to the dating-disasters archive. the red flags started going up when some random guy called and left me the most awkward voicemail i’ve ever heard. he started off ok, explaining that he got my number from one of our mutual friends, but things started getting strange when he declared that he “specializes in dysfunctional relationships.” i gave him the benefit of the doubt, assuming he was just nervous and voicemail messages are lame anyway, so when he called back i agreed to go out. that was before he brought up politics. things got even more uncomfortable when he admitted to having a picture of me on his phone. how does he have a picture of me, you might ask. apparently he saw a picture of me at my friends house and thought it was appropriate to TAKE A PICTURE OF IT. dun dun duunnnnnnn. this guy has successfully jumped to the top of the weirdo-chart and we haven’t even gone out yet. i usually don’t declare them insane until after the first five minutes.

ugh. i don’t think i’ve dreaded a date like this before.